Have you ever noticed how much you talk to yourself? Not out loud. I’m talking about that conversation happening inside your head. The one that comments on what you’re doing. Questions your decisions. Reminds you what could go wrong. Tells you what someone else might be thinking about you. Sometimes encourages you. And sometimes makes you wonder why you ever thought you could do something in the first place.
Several years ago, I went on a 10-day silent retreat. Ten days. No talking. I thought the silence might be peaceful. The room was silent. My mind was not. There was a constant conversation happening in my head.
“I’m uncomfortable.”
“When can I eat again?”
“Why did I sign up for this?”
“Everyone else seems better at this than I am.”
“Maybe I should quit.”
For ten days, I became very aware of something that had been happening my entire life. There was a voice in my head commenting on almost everything. And it never seemed to shut up.
The Voice Isn’t the Problem
Over time, I’ve come to understand that the goal isn’t to get rid of that voice… I’m not sure we could even if we wanted to. That voice has developed over a lifetime. It remembers experiences. It remembers embarrassment. It remembers disappointment. It remembers the times something didn’t work out. And sometimes it’s simply trying to protect us from experiencing those things again.
The problem comes when we automatically believe everything it says. There’s a difference between hearing a thought and allowing that thought to make the decision. That’s a distinction that changed something for me.
Just Because You Think It Doesn’t Make It True
Think about how quickly a thought can become a conclusion.
Someone doesn’t respond to your email. They’re upset with me.
Your boss asks to speak with you. Something’s wrong.
You’re presented with an opportunity. I’m not ready for that.
Someone disagrees with something you said. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.
We can build an entire story from very little information. And then we react to the story as though it were fact. That’s why I’ve become so interested in the space between what happens and what we do next. Because somewhere in that space is choice.
You Don’t Have to Win the Argument
I used to think I needed to argue with that voice. Prove it wrong. Silence it. Overpower it. I don’t anymore. Sometimes the most useful thing I can do is simply notice it.
There you are.
Then pause long enough to ask:
Is that true?
Is there another way to see this?
What do I actually want to do?
That little bit of space can change a lot. You may still be nervous. You may still have doubts. You may still hear the voice telling you not to do it.
But now something else is present too.
You.
Start by Noticing
You don’t need a 10-day silent retreat to begin hearing the conversation you’re having with yourself. Just pay attention.
Notice what you say to yourself when something doesn’t go as planned.
Notice what happens inside you when someone disagrees with you.
Notice the story you create when you don’t have all the information.
Notice what you tell yourself when an opportunity scares you.
Don’t judge it.
Don’t try to fix it.
Just notice.
Because once you recognize the conversation that’s already happening, you have an opportunity to decide whether that conversation deserves to determine what happens next.
The conversation you have with yourself matters.
Because sooner or later, it finds its way into every other conversation you have.